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Joseph Scarbrough launched what he called "The Scarblog" as a way of cataloging his work over the years, as well as going into greater detail of things on his mind (known as "Unfinished Thoughts").

Friday, December 13, 2013

Transcript for STEVE'S INEFFICIENT CHRISTMAS (Part 5)

Let's hear it for subtle little nods to Looney Tunes!

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STEVE’S INEFFICIENT CHRISTMAS – PART 5

FADE IN.

INT. SANTA’S HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT

Power has been restored to Santa’s Headquarters, and Ella tests the Santa Radar Tracker System to make sure it is in working order; she takes a reading from the Map Screen, while Steve, nervously, stands by.

ELLA
Good, looks like no harm done; we’re locked onto Santa’s location. (Turns to Steve) This kind of thing happens all the time, with the cold temperatures up here, sometimes our number two generator will freeze over, but it’s a good thing we actually have a team to go out and defrost it, because if that thing actually went out, who knows where we’d be able to find another generator to keep this whole place powered up.

STEVE
So… it really didn’t have anything to do with me then?

ELLA
(Pause) No... (Beat) Why, did you think it had anything to do with you?

STEVE
Ugh… no! Not at all! (Looks at Map Screen) Boy, Santa sure is moving right along… you know, I’ve often wondered… just how does Santa deliver all of those toys around the world in one night, anyway.

ELLA
Oh, it’s all very simple!

Cut to close of Ella.

ELLA (cont.)
See, the Earth rotates counterclockwise, right? So, in an effort to continuously buy time, Santa travels in a westerly direction… say, for instance, Santa starts at midnight, and spends exactly one hour in each time zone… that way, by the time the clock is about to strike one o’clock and Santa makes it over to the next time zone, it’ll be midnight all over again. It’s all about the timing, timing is everything, and over the years, Santa has really familiarized himself with locations of houses and landscapes to allow him to figure out the best plan to make the best use of his time as he delivers toys from house to house with the quickest of ease. Yeah, Santa’s pretty much got the entire production figured out to a science! Understand?

Cut to close of Steve, who wears a blank expression on his face, as his brain experiences a short circuit.

SFX: Wires shorting out.

Cut to previous shot of Ella and Steve.

ELLA
(Sighs) Magic, kid. That’s how he does it, magic.

STEVE
Oh. Oh! I get it! Magic! Yeah, of course, I should have known!

Cut to previous close of Ella, who slowly turns towards the camera, and holds up a small sign with metal screw, and a baseball on it.

STEVE (cont. O.S.)
That makes perfect sense; Santa does just about everything with magic, what a silly question for me to be asking!

Ella lowers the sign, and faces Steve again. Cut to previous shot of Ella and Steve.

STEVE
Boy, all this talk about time, though, I kind of wonder what time it is back home now?

Ella faces the Map Screen.

ELLA
Well, looking at the time table, it appears that it’s going on 10:00 back in Knoxville.

STEVE
Whoa, that’s pretty late! I guess I probably better get home and get to bed before Santa comes.

ELLA
Yeah, you’ll wanna hurry, Santa just made it across the Atlantic, and is heading into Northern Canada as we speak, he’ll definitely be heading for your house in another couple of hours.

STEVE
Yeah, I should probably get going. Hey, thanks again for sharing all this interesting information with us about how Santa gets stuff done!

ELLA
Eh, think nothin’ of it, just remember to be good all year.

Ella exits.

STEVE
Boy, this sure has been very exciting! What a wonderful experience this has been, getting to see just how everybody knows exactly where Santa is on Christmas Eve, and knowing just how he delivers all those toys in one night… yeah, this is certainly one Christmas Eve I’ll never forget… (Yawns) I wish it would never end, but I guess… (Yawns) all good things must come to an end… (Yawns) Well, thanks for joining me this evening, hope everybody has a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year… hey, maybe we can do this again next year!

ELLA (O.S.)
I wouldn’t count on it.

FADE OUT.

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